If there’s one thing that’s clear this midterm election season, it’s that Herschel Walker, the Republican candidate for Senate in Georgia, desperately wants voters to elect him … as sheriff.
In what I’m sure was not a ploy to distract from reports the staunchly anti-abortion candidate paid for an ex-girlfriend’s abortion, Walker has proudly and repeatedly shown off a badge, suggesting he works in law enforcement, which he definitely does not.
He even trotted the badge out during a recent debate with his opponent, Democratic U.S. Sen. Raphael Warnock, who, it’s worth noting, does not carry a fake badge.
Fondness for a toy badge is the least worrisome thing about Walker
Walker’s “badge” is a political token sheriff’s departments often hand out. A former Georgia district attorney told The Washington Post: “It’s the equivalent of a junior ranger badge.”
Those who’ve followed the Warnock/Walker race in Georgia know the fact that Walker, a former University of Georgia and NFL star, is so openly proud of a toy is probably the least worrisome thing about him. Aside from news of previously unreported children and the abortion allegation, Walker speaks almost incoherently at times and doesn’t seem to understand much of anything.
Speaking about evolution and man evolving from apes, he said: “If that is true, why are there still apes? Think about it.”
I thought about it, and it’s still ridiculous.
Did Walker pay for an abortion?:Will it matter?
Let’s ‘look at young men that’s looking at women, that’s looking at their social media’
Talking about how to stop school shootings in the wake of the massacre in Uvalde, Texas, Walker said on Fox News: “People see that it’s a person wielding that weapon, you know, Cain killed Abel. And that’s the problem that we have. And I said, what we need to do is look into how we can stop those things. You talk about doing a disinformation, what about getting a department that can look at young men that’s looking at women, that’s looking at their social media? What about doing that, looking into things like that, and we can stop that that way?”
On climate change, he said: “Don’t we have enough trees around here?”
Look, I’m not the sharpest pin in the cushion, but the bar for becoming one of America’s 100 U.S. senators has to be a bit higher than the one Walker is crawling under, right?
Hey, Texas!:Instead of scary DNA kits for ‘safety’ of our schoolchildren, how about some gun safety laws?
Let’s give Walker a chance to be a real sheriff
A vote for someone as demonstrably unqualified as Walker is political absolutism taken to its logical extreme. It would be reasonable for the Georgia law enforcement officers Walker so clearly envies to add “Do you plan on voting for Herschel Walker?” to questions asked in a field sobriety test.
But there are, undoubtedly, people who can’t bring themselves to vote for a Democrat. To those people in Georgia, I humbly suggest the following, on behalf of all Americans: Please, when you vote, write Herschel Walker’s name in as sheriff of whichever county you call home.
The Walker, Warnock debate:Herschel Walker beat expectations in Georgia U.S. Senate debate. Will it matter in election?
We all know the job Walker really wants …
I have several reasons for this request:
1) Walker has made it abundantly clear it’s the position he covets. He loves that darn badge, and I’m sure “sheriff” is his top job choice, followed quickly by “fireman” and “astronaut.”
… and darn it, Americans could really use a good laugh
2) Seeing Walker elected sheriff in multiple Georgia counties would be objectively hilarious, and might help bridge the vast political divides plaguing American society. It would be something every American could respond to by saying: “OK, now THAT’S funny. Well played, Georgia voters.”
3) It would allow those unwilling to cast a vote for a Democrat a chance to fulfill their civic duty without giving immense power to a fabulist who once claimed he had a “dry mist” that “will clean you of COVID,” adding: “As you walk through the door, it will kill any COVID on your body.”
C’mon, Georgians. There are two sane choices here. Either vote for Warnock, or hop on the bandwagon Walker built for himself, presumably out of the trees he thinks we have enough of: “Herschel for Sheriff – Because America Needs a Good Laugh.”
More humor and satire from Rex Huppke:
Lizzo plays James Madison’s crystal flute while racists play dog whistles.
Sen. Lindsey Graham mansplains abortion ban: ‘I picked 15 weeks.’ Got it, ladies?
What Trump and his wannabes did in one weekend should scare us all.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk